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US City poisons innocent Canadians with CO2

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In an extreme escalation of the embargo on Alberta oilsands products by the city of Bellingham, Washington, the city of Bend, Oregon has taken a dramatic step. Tired of the bullbirdshit emanating from its Canadian residents, no doubt in a show of solidarity with their Bellingham colleagues, and presumably determined to put the lie to Friends of Science Myth # 7 ‘CO2 is [not] a pollutant’, Bend workers yesterday rounded up 109 Canadians from the local park they’d been living in, took them to a secret city facility, and exposed them to raised concentrations of this trace atmospheric gas until all of them died of natural causes. Reports suggest they are being prepared for feeding to the local homeless population (many of whom are likely also Canadian).

Unsurprisingly, there has been outrage in Canada, and conspiracy theories about the real reasons behind this cull abound. Some say it was done to show how much more humane are American cities than Canadian seal hunters (or perhaps that killing things with clubs is much less efficient), others say it was to distract from the fact that the Gulf states are not culling their marine life to stop it contaminating the oil, and still others worry about the effects on the digestive systems of people who eat the corpses (excess flatulence? Lucky they didn’t use methane!).

We at FoGT see things a little differently. Whether or not the geese died from the CO2 (hard to believe given what our Friends say about it, but there are even reports that large amounts of rye whisky can be bad for you) is irrelevant: what is important is that the CO2 was American-sourced; incredibly, Canada does not export any. Given that other sophisticated American municipalities are contemplating similar avian cleansings, this is a lost opportunity. We therefore intend forthwith to pressure the Canadian government to subsidise the construction of a north-to-south CO2 pipleline. This will not only be immensely profitable, it will go hand-in-hand with Canada’s lately-resumed asbestos exports, those baby seal skins, and of course the oilsands, in demonstrating Canada’s superiorty over the US in innovation in foreign markets. Happy 4th of July, Yankees!

We thank our Friend Deryk for bringing this story to our attention.