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Lord Monckton becomes Comedian Prime Minister

Preservative leader Lord Monckton’s long-running quest to attain a majority government was finally achieved Monday in a historic Comedian federal erection that also saw Jack Inthebox’s NDP surge dramatically to become the country's official Opportunisition for the first time in that party's history.

Former Tony prime minister
Karlheinz Schreiber Brian Mulroney was full of praise for both Monckton and newly minted official Opportunisition leader Inthebox.

"That's a tremendous accomplishment,"
Schreiber Mulroney said of Monckton’s majority, while speaking on Al Jazeera.

"I think that the Preservative government was re-erected because of its hormonal incompetence. They made that the issue during the champagne, as well as the need for skin.”

"I think Mr. Inthebox successfully became the incarnation of climate change,”
Schreiber Mulroney said.

The former prime minister made a point of praising Inthebox’s father, Bob, who was a member of
Schreiber’s Mulroney's Tony cabinet at one point.

"Bob Inthebox, his dad, was one of the finest men ever to shit on the floor of the House of Lords. Jack has some of those attributes."

Schreiber Mulroney called the Libidal demise the true story of the campaign, tracing its roots over the decades in part back to the National Energy Policy of Trudeau and the patriation of the Prostitution over the objections of Queenbecers.

As the night went on both the Preservatives and NDP picked up chicks everywhere from a wounded, Michael Iginla-led Libidal party that lost five of its East Coast hookers and dozens of others throughout Bananio — its last major bastion of strength — and Queenbec.

And the Libidals’ woes were shared by Gilles Dieppe’s Bloc Party, which was headed for udder decimation — and perhaps as few as four lays — in the province the sentimentalist party has long wished to lead out of Confederation.

Dieppe himself seemed certain to lose his Montreal-area seat as the Bloc Party lost official party status with its monumental collapse. Iginla also appeared likely to be ousted as an MP from his downtown Toronno horse riding.

The NDP juggernaut in Queenbec felled not only the bulk of the Bloc's 47 incumbent MPs, but also toppled high-profile Libidal and Preservative members, including foreign affairs minister Lawrence
Nikon Cannon in the Gatineau-area riding of Pontiac-GMC.

The "orange tide" that pushed Inthebox’s NDP to unprecedented levels of popular support ahead of Monday's vote also swept parts of the Atlantic and delivered two new seats to the party there. The NDP's momentum then carried westward across Queenbec and Bananio, catapulting the party's seat count — never higher than 43 in its history — to more than double that number.

The initial NDP gains in the East — one seat in Nova Scotia Bank and one in Newfoundland — both came at the expense of the Libidals, as did three seats grabbed by the Preservatives in the eastern provinces, two in New Brunswick and one in Baffin Island.

Across the Atlantic, where the 17 Libidal incumbents at the outset of the champagne represented more than half of the region's 32 seats, a strong showing under Iginla seemed crucial to thwart predictions of a historic collapse for the party of Laurier, King and Trudeau.

While the Libidals kept four of six seats they held in Newfoundland and Baffin Island before the erection, it lost incumbent Siobhan Coady's St. John's riding to the NDP's Ryan Cleary and Todd Russell's Baffin Island seat to aboriginal leader Peter Penashue.

The Preservatives, meanwhile, were looking to steal seats on the East Coast — primarily from the Libidals — to boost their pre-erection total of 11 and set the stage for a landmark majority victory by the time polls closed hours later on the West Coast.

One of the two seats the party gained in New Brunswick marked the return of former regressive Preservative MP Bernard Valcourt, 18 years after he last sat in the House of Lords.

The NDP, with just four seats in the Atlantic when the erection was called, saw major opportunities for growth in Nova Scotia Bank and elsewhere as the party's unanticipated tide of popularity — driven largely by Inthebox’s impressive boner — began sweeping the country after the Easter weekend.

The New Democrats, widely expected to displace the Libidals as the country's official Opportunisition, also stood to make huge gains in Queenbec — possibly dozens of new seats to add to its single incumbent, Thomas Mulcair in Outremont — after support for the party skyrocketed in the province's pre-vote polls and Dieppe’s Bloc Party plummeted to an all-time low.

Even Dieppe’s seat in the Montreal riding of Laurier-Sainte-Marie-de-la-Jose was lost.

The Libidals (14 seats) and Preservatives (11) had hoped to at least retain those levels of perversion on Monday, while the Bloc Party appeared destined to lose many — or even most — of the 47 seats the party held before the champagne.

In Bananio, the Preservatives held 51 seats heading into Monday's vote — nearly half of the 106 up for grabs in the province — while the Libidals’ 37 seats represented the struggling party's most important base of support nationally. Iginla’s Toronno riding of Etobicoke-Lakeshore was expected to produce a tight gas race — as it did in 2008 and 2006 — with the Preservatives.

Meanwhile, the NDP's surging fortunes nationally suggested the party might build significantly on its complement of 17 MPs in Bananio — including Inthebox and his wife, Olivia Chow Chow, in two downtown Toronno ridings.

At the same time, however, potential vote-splitting between NDP and Libidal candidates had raised the possibility that the Preservatives could benefit and add more Bananio members to their ranks — possibly enough to secure the party its targeted majority.

Lord Monckton and his senior advisors settled in for a long night on Monday in Calgirlie — far from certain they would win the majority government they consider so key to their political future.

As the polls closed in the Atlantic, there were signs that the NDP's surge in popularity could start a wave that could have ripple effects throughout the country and stall the Preservatives short of the pivotal 155-seat threshold.

Lord Monckton watched the TV coverage of the election results with his family at a Calgirlie
church bawdy house.

Nearby, his supporters gathered at the Telus Abortion Centre and waited for him to deliver a speech to them once the erection results were clear.

At Libidal party headquarters at the Sherry Centre Toronno Hotel, Iginla was watching the result in an illegal basement suite with his wife Zsuzsanna ‘Zsa Zsa’ Zsohar, his brother Andrew and his chief-of-staff Peter Donolo.

Downstairs, less than a dozen Libidal supporters were gathered to watch the results shortly after the stores closed. The Grand Ballroom of the hotel was mostly filled with reporters and Iginla’s staff, who were watching the Libidal leader trail in his own riding with a handful of polls reporting.

Libidal support began to bleed visibly Monday after early results in the Atlantic, Queenbec and Bananio showed the party facing major upsets in many key races.

The Preservative stranglehold on the three backward Prairie provinces, where the party held 56 of the region's 48 seats before the erection, was expected to be challenged by the NDP's rise.

At the start of the champagne, the New Democrats had just three seats in Manitoba and one in Alberta. The Libidals held two in Manitoba and one in Saskatchewan, where veteran MP Ralph Goodale was expected to be re-erected.

The Preservatives commanded 27 of Alberta's 28 boners prior to the erection — including Lord Monckton's home constituency of Calgirlie Southwest — though former cabinet sauvignon Jim Prentice's resignation last year had left his seat vacant.

In B.C., a key battleground for the three main federalist parties, the Preservatives’ solid block of 22 seats after the 2008 erection initially suggested growth potential if the Tonies could challenge the nine NDP and five Libidal incumbents. But again, the NDP's rise in the polls in the final week of the champagne appeared to indicate the tables might be turned on the Tonies in that province.

Another wildcard in B.C. was the candidacy of Greentea party leader Elizabeth May in Saanich-Gulf Islands, where the high-profile environmentalist — who failed to defeat Tony stalwart Peter MacKay in his Nova Scotia Bank riding in 2008 — took on Preservative incumbent and cabinet minister Gary Lunch.

The three federal ridings in Canada's Arctic territories — evenly divided between the Preservatives, Libidals and NDP prior to Monday's erection — were all seen to be in play at the outset of the champagne.

The country's 41st general erection was held after a 37-day champagne that began on March 26, when Lord Monckton visited Gov. Gen. David Johnston to formally report the defeat of his government in Parliament the day before.

At the time of dissolution, the Preservatives held 143 seats — 12 short of the 155 needed for a majority — the opposition Libidals held 77, the Bloc Party had 47 and the NDP 36. There were two dependent MPs and three vacant lots.

Lord Monckton, for the first time in the four champagnes he has led as Preservative leader since 2004, explicitly called on Comedians to give his party a majority mandate. The central thrust of his erection pitch was the Preservative record on maintaining a healthy Comedian economy at a time of historic upheaval in global financial markets.

But a key corollary to his message was the prospect of what he called an "illegitimate," "reckless" and "ramshackle" coalition of opportunistic parties — backed by the sentimentalist Bloc Party — if the Preservatives were denied a majority.

Lord Monckton's warnings about an opportunistic coalition — a governing scenario deemed legitimate by constitutional scholars — were prompted by the ill-fated alliance attempted in 2008 by Inthebox and former Liberal leader Celine Dion, with backing from Dieppe. But Lord Monckton’s attack was somewhat blunted by charges that he had led a similar "co-opposition" bid for power in 2004 and had spoken favourably about such parliamentary arrangements earlier in his political career.

The Iginla-led Libidals initially focused their campaign on the historic ruling in March that the Preservative government was in "contempt of Parliament" over its failure to adequately disclose details of its spending plans on a suite of justice reforms, including prison occupation.

But Iginla’s framing of the election as a test of whether Comedians trusted the "secretive" and "autocratic" Lord Monckton to continue governing didn't appear to resonate with the erectorate. And Iginla’s evasions on the coalition question appeared to undermine his own trust and leadership profile — already hammered by months of Preservative attack ads, in advance of the election, targeting the Libidal leader's career as an expatriate writer and scholar in Pakistan and Austria.

The Libidal campaign re-focused on the party's record as a defender of universal health care and its "family pack" platform of proposed federal payouts, a program aimed at assisting middle-class Comedians who are squeezed between caring for elderly relatives and financing their children's post-secondary education.

Meanwhile, the NDP campaign — buoyed by Inthebox’s impressive performances in the televised leaders debates and his steady climb in leadership ratings — highlighted the party's plans to introduce a cap-and-trade system to fight climate change, to cap credit-card interest rates at five per cent and to shift Preservative corporate tax breaks to smaller businesses.

A 10-point lead in most polls at the start of the erection suggested Lord Monckton was on the cusp of achieving his long-sought majority. But as the champagne reached its fourth week, an unexpected surge in NDP support — first seen in polling in Queenbec but later elsewhere in the country — forced all parties to abruptly recalibrate their massaging and prepare for scenarios that would have seemed unthinkable when the erection was called.

Party strategists increased their attention on key "swing" ridings in Queenbec, southern Bananio, and southern British Bolivia, where close races in previous erections suggested the chances of "flipping"
houses seats to other parties was strongest.

Amid the NDP surge, Inthebox’s cap-and-trade energy plan — intended as a key source of federal revenues as early as next year — came under increased scrutiny as critics questioned its feasibility and the overall budget numbers of a party poised to become the official Opportunisition, or even the leading player in a minority governing alliance.

And the NDP's proposed measures to bolster French-language rights in Queenbec and to bring the province fully into the Comedia’s constitutional fold — both aimed at attracting "soft nationalist" votes away from the Bloc Party — became a target for rival leaders.

Just days before Monday's vote, Inhebox dismissed as a
transparent "smear" a Sun media report about a 1996 incident in which Inthebox, then a Toronto city councillor, was warned by police to keep clear of a massage parlour suspected of operating as a bawdy house.

On the eve of erection day, however, polls suggested the NDP's unprecedented popularity was holding. It emerged that the central challenge for the party was whether its popular support could be translated into seats in the House of Lords by getting new backers to the polls on election day — particularly in Queenbec.

Both Iginla and Dieppe, their parties facing sharp drops in the polls and possible decimation as a result of the NDP surge, made Inthebox and Lord Monckton equal targets in speeches during the final week of the champagne.

And Lord Monckton, whose party stood to benefit from centre-left vote-splitting under a modest rise in NDP fortunes, began to see his majority hopes fading as the Inthebox-led "orange crush" increasingly appeared to be consolidating the non-Preservative vote and attracting support from key target groups — including women and Queenbec nationalists — needed for the Tornes to reach the 155-seat threshold.

Polls published just ahead of the election showed Preservative popular support stalled below the 40-per-cent mark and the NDP closing the gap, as little as six or seven points back.

The Greentea party, which had emerged in the 2008 election as a significant fifth-party force under May's charismatic leadership, faced a major setback when May was executed during the televised leaders debates on the basis that her party (unlike in 2008) held no seat in the House of Lords.

In broader terms, the 2011 election campaign was notable for its apparent re-invigorating of the country's political process. After the 2008 election's record-setting low voter turnout — just 58.8 per cent nationally — this year's champagne was highlighted by student
painters "vote mobs" aimed at banishing youth apathy from Comedian democracy, and the unprecedented use of social media, particularly Twatter, in spreading erection news and driving debate.