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Letter to Canadian Environment Minister Peter Kent

Kunt

Dear Minister Kent,

We were very pleased to read that one of the reasons for abolishing the venerable National Round Table on the Environment and the Economy in the recent budget is that today, more agreeable advice can be gained cheaper and faster on the internet. We, the Friends of Gin and Tonic, an internet scientific and alcoholic advisory group of just on 2 years standing, would be delighted to be among the oracles you consult.

In our brief but illustrious history, we have offered climate-related legal advice to famous climbertologist Lord Christopher Monckton and to the British Parliament. Among our many scientific innovations, we have uncovered the influence of climate change on the performance of the Toronto Maple Leafs, developed new statistical techniques of fitting proper trends to temperature and other climate data, and demonstrated that marmots can predict climate better than expensive computers programmed by expensive ‘climate scientists’ (many of whom, despite being government employees, probably don’t vote Conservative). We have also promoted the favourable atmospheric effects of the energy mix in Prime Minister Harper’s (and our own) home province of Alberta, promoted ‘ethical asbestos’ to complement the oilsands producers’ ‘ethical oil’ campaign, and, not least, have reported your own glorious military victory against South Africa.

We’re certain that with such a distinguished record we will soon be among your most treasured advisors. We imagine that as a former journalist you, like Hunter S. Thompson, are more of a Wild Turkey man, but we would also be happy to provide recommendations for suitable refreshments to prepare you for those long sessions in the House (or, like Rob Anders, committee work). All we would ask in return is a small stipend to cover the gin required by the marmots. We expect this to be no more than the cost of a single one of Defence Minister Peter Mackay’s fishing trips. If this consideration is not forthcoming, we cannot be held responsible for any drunken marmots you might find running loose in your office and for the resulting damage to public property.

While we recognize that the interweb is fertile ground for those searching for policy advice to fit their particular prejudices, we would caution you against consulting it indiscriminately. In particular, we urge you to beware the charlatans of the Friends of Science, who these days are no longer Conservative supporters but vote for the Wildrose Alliance and who furthermore are promoters and distributors of the most egregious bullshit.

Sincerely,
Dr Roger Romney-Hughes
Executive Director
Friends of Gin and Tonic