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Valhalla Consensus: Majority of Gods prepared to let Humanity destroy the Earth

In a hard-argued consensus statement, the first ever divine gathering announced that they were prepared to let humanity destroy the Earth. This countered an earlier unilateral announcement from Jehova through his earthly representative John Shimkus. Through congressman Shimkus, Jehova had claimed that (a) only Jehova and not humanity was capable of destroying the Earth, and (b) Jehova was not going to do so.

Both these propositions were refudiated at GoDS-1 (The first Gathering of Deities & Spirits, which was held at Valhalla under the Framework Convention on Celestial Cataclysms). GoDS-1 was larger then expected due to new members of AOSIS (Association of Small Indigenous Spirits). Many former nature gods have been
released from colonial disenfranchisement after spending centuries re-badged as Catholic Saints. However those former nature Gods who remain as folk saints were denied voting rights at GoDS-1.

Disputes over voting rights among the major players erupted when Jehova demanded to be counted as three Gods prompting a counter proposal from Rama to allow voting for his 10,000 avatars. A request from observers in NGOs (Non-God Organisations) for a definitive list of Gods was dismissed as an attempt to
pre-empt discussion by destroying the entire universe.

Although GoDS-1 was dominated by procedural issues the gathering finally managed to address destroying Earth, issuing a consensus statement that papered over their divergent views.

A pro-active group headed by Kali announced their intention to destroy the Earth and said that if humanity wanted to do so, they had better get on with it quick-smart.

A larger group with Odin as their spokes-God said that destroying the Earth was definitely part of their divine mission statement, but it would have to take its turn behind other tasks such as cleaning out the attic. If humanity wanted to help any of the Gods destroy the Earth then so be it, but most Gods would rather have help cleaning out the attic first.

The nature gods in AOSIS took a different view. They were more into assisting with calving, helping village maidens find true love, holding off rain during the harvest and maybe keeping it dry enough for rumpy-pumpy in the haystack after the harvest. Generally nature gods dabbled in matters sexual with the hope of getting a bit of the action for themselves. Destroying the Earth was not really their thing, but if humanity wanted to destroy the Earth, then the nature Gods couldn't do much to stop them.

Even though divine destruction is effectively on indefinite hold, the increasing number of environmental calamities have nothing to do with human-induced climate change and are mainly due to a few impatient Gods getting in some practice.

A final procedural dispute erupted over the form in which to issue the communique. Among the methods proposed were gold tablets, scrolls in a cave in a sacred valley, divinely appointed congressmen and fiery letters burnt into the side of a mountain. This divine debate was rendered moot when the communique and the full transcript of discussions were posted on the wikileaks website.

Andew Nut Waikikamukau, NZ.