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Global Warming Making Earth Fat

An article in press in AGU journal Geophysical Research Letters describes how the satellite-based Gravity Recovery and Climate Experiment (GRACE) has detected that melting ice from Greenland and Antarctica is being redistributed as liquid water around the equator, providing yet more proof that climate change global warming is bad for the health of the planet. “The oblate spheroid is rapidly becoming an obese spheroid, and obesity demands immediate action, or at the very least moral panic”, says FoGT Director of Scientific Content, Karl Freiherr von Monckhausen.

Because GRACE can
detect changes in the global distribution of mass, the cause of the increased waistline can be correctly attributed. We at FoGT had earlier speculated about an increase in planetary density due to the human population having become thicker with time, disagreeing with our colleague the famous blog climatologist Baron von Monckhofen who interpreted an increase in population mass. However, GRACE has now convincingly demonstrated that neither density nor mass are being gained, but mass is rather being rearranged.

This realization shifts our focus from people back to the planet. To reduce planetary obesity -- like human obesity, undoubtedly a Bad Thing -- the Earth must be put on an immediate diet. The redistribution of polar ice into equatorial water is consistent with the idea that polar and global temperatures have warmed, as originally proven by a team led by the world’s most famous meteorologist
Anthony Watts. An appropriate diet would therefore be a reduction in incident solar radiation, which, as our friends the Friends of Science keep telling us, is the main direct and indirect driver of climate change. According to certain people with PhDs, this could be achieved by arranging an increase in cloudiness. However, recent research suggests that clouds provide a positive feedback because they reduce outgoing longwave radiation.

Because there is clearly still scientific
debate on the issues of sunnyness and cloudiness, we suggest an alternative solution: reducing concentrations of the gas of life, a colourless, odourless, non-brittle but nonetheless glass-like substance that nourishes the planet. Depending on who you choose to believe (because belief is more important than so-called ‘facts’), this will require either reducing industrial emissions or sticking corks in volcanoes. The choice is ours, and to save the planet’s figure, we must act now!