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Is Global Warming really caused by Coke and Pepsi?

The Climate Scum reports a 6-year old retard from Texas disproving global warming. Here in Calgary, yet another retard of unknown age (but certainly not older than 6) proves that the intake of Coke and Pepsi changes the global weather (not climate) - in the Calgary Herald.

FoGT begs to differ:  Coke and Pepsi containers, like the oceans, constitute carbon storage volumes. The CO2 emitted by the Alberta Oil Sands, for example, can be sequestered in cans and bottles, and stored in supermarkets, bars, and restaurants. This is much cheaper than storing the CO2 at the bottom of the oceans. And no taxpayer’s money is wasted as it is done by private initiative. New carbon storage space is created when the old CO2 stock has been consumed by people. The consumed CO2, together with the large amounts of added sugar, is being converted to natural body fat. As an initial result, the environment remains healthy, global warming is controlled, and we are getting fatter - which starts a positive feedback: more body fat means less heating required, thus less CO2 emitted etc. A new ice age is imminent, which will naturally produce ice for cooling the sugary sodas, which means less refrigeration needed, hence fewer CO2 emissions and thus even further global cooling and more fattening. This explains the obesity of the people portrayed in the oil paintings that prove the little ice age.
Stop this cooling-fattening craze - keep the poles ice free - drink tap water! Or lowly carbonated, well-tempered Gin & Tonic. Cheers!